Fatal
by Iuvenalis
Summary: Kaoru's thoughts about her relationship with Kenshin and the possibility of unrequited love. AU, KK.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. ;-)

**Fatal**

I swore that I had fallen in love with you the moment I saw you. Was it your hair? Your eyes? Your walk? I don't think I knew what it was. Everyone loved you and I knew why. You had time for all the people you loved. Your generosity was unparalleled, almost like an angel descended from heaven.

I had watched in silent admiration, that fateful day, as you walked down the stairs to greet us. Your lithe stride, open expression of happiness, and simple gesture of love as you opened your arms for a hug. I was never jealous of Misao for being your sister. She worshipped the ground you walked on, as did I, but not once did I reveal this emotion. How long has it been since we first met? 15 Years? Yes, I know it has been that long. I was 12, and yet I knew a greater love would never be, except that love which I had for you. I knew I would never be with you, and I silently resigned myself to this fate. I am content watching you from a distance, for I believe it is all I shall ever do.

Do you even know you supported me through my hardest years? Even the smallest word of praise, encouragement or agreement lifted my spirits. Remember when we used to go jogging together and talk about our favourite movies? Your favourite was Blades of Glory and mine was Pride and Prejudice the BBC version. I could never get you to watch it. You flatly refused to be drawn into 18th Century pre-smut romance. I commiserated good naturedly at your refusal and sadly acknowledged that we would forever be interested in different things.

I was always confused at your behaviour. Even though you had your beautiful girlfriend, you sought my company often while she was with you. You would leave her standing there alone and find me in a tree reading a book, lying on the couch sleeping or being lazy. I interpreted your conduct as pity regarding my circumstances and a deep sense regard for my welfare. After all I was an orphan with little to my name. Is that what it was? Pity? I would rather your indifference.

You would always return to the main house for the holidays bringing along your current girlfriend, and there we would spend all our summer together. You admitted so many times that I was your best friend. _Friend._ I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. I was important, yet not important enough.

What was it that you always used to say? In the end everything will be okay, and if it's not the end then its okay. You always said it with so much carelessness. You exuded this charm and beauty which outshone the sun itself. Everyone loved you. I loved you. I still do. I wondered if you ever saw the way I looked at you. If you did what would you have said? I don't want to think about it, and to be honest, I would prefer your friendship than nothing at all.

For the last few years I have tried in earnest to forget you. Perhaps _forget_ is too strong a description. I guess I've tried to minimise the feelings I have for you, so I can move on. If there's a chance that I can be the most important woman in another mans life, I want be able to take it. Even though I love you now, you will never love me as I wished so often. I cannot waste my best years pining for one who will never want me the way I want and need them. Lately you have been in my thoughts more often than I care to admit. You rang yesterday asking if I would be coming down to the main house with Misao for the holidays, to which I responded that I would. Of course I would. Even now I am trying to prevent myself from falling any deeper into the hole I have dug for myself; still I find myself running back to your side again and again.

Misao had already asked if I was coming and I had already told her that I would. Strangely enough I thought that this might be the best way to say goodbye in no uncertain terms. There you were standing in front of me. Your open facial expression displayed pure delight at our arrival. You hugged me tightly and held me longer than necessary. I smiled tightly in return and you noticed didn't you? Your face lost some of its pleasure, and you had a strange look as you watched me unload my luggage from the car. I never realised how hard this would be. Proximity to a loved one always makes it difficult to leave.

At dinner you sat across from me and it seemed like you were watching me the whole night. I occasionally looked up and returned your small smile with a little one of my own. I was no longer uncomfortable in your prescence, instead I had grown used to your habits. After 15 Years who wouldn't? Let's face the truth, 27 years old and still wallowing in the dark recesses of unrequited love was wearing me down. Is that why you were watching me?

You whispered in my ear that perhaps we should talk in your study. I wondered at your insistence. It was strange for you to be so assertive. Misao was being strangely aloof regarding your behaviour as well. Had I done something to hurt you? If I had forgive me Kenshin, that was never my intention.

You indicate towards the couch for me to sit down, which I obey in very mild manner. I feel strangely disconnected from the situation. I watch as you close and lock the study door, which unnerved me greatly, but I held onto my composure by a thread. You walked towards me and sat down next to me on the couch which had little space for you to sit. I had assumed that you would sit in the seat across from me. I tried to move back to give you space but you stopped me with a gentle hand on my bare leg. I'm staring at your hand now in wonder. After so long I can feel your calloused hand on the soft skin of my knee. I think that something has happened to you and your heart is heavy with despair. In response I place my hand over yours what I believe is a reassuring gesture. Your face is now tight with emotion, you thumb rubs slow circles over my skin. What is it that has you so worried? Tell me please…

"How has work been for you in the city?" you ask quietly.

"The same." I say carefully.

"Nothing new?" you iterate.

"No, should there be?" I ask you.

"I just-' you pause, your hand tightens on my knee 'Are you in a relationship at the moment?"

I am now almost gaping at you inwardly. How could you ask me this?

"I-" I am about to reply, but you cut me off.

"I honestly don't care if you are" you say hoarsely.

Now I am worried, and confused. What are you trying to say that is making you act so uncharacteristically?

"What is it?" I ask you gently, sliding a little closer and wrapping a friendly arm around your drooping shoulders. I can smell your earthy ginger scent, and it reminds me so much of you. I can't hear your muffled response as you speak into my hair. You undid my clip and my hair is now in you hands. You always did love playing with it.

"I can't hear you." I admonish softly,

"I said I love you."

If it were possible I think my heart may have stopped. My hand is still hovering over your hair which I had been stroking in an effort to comfort you.

"Please say something." you whisper urgently "Please".

I turn my head slightly and look into your violet orbs. They always mesmerised me.

"Why?" I whisper

"I could never stop loving you Kaoru. You torture me with your indifference. I need to know how you feel, and I cannot move on unless I know. And honestly I would probably still love you even though you might not love me." you say in despair.

My hand is now on your face, you kiss my palm feverishly.

"I was always yours Kenshin." I smile "Always".

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If you wish to review, tell me what you think and how I might be able to improve the story ;-)

cheers,

Iuvenalis


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Rurouni Kenshin :-)**

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**Fatal**

**Part II**

Whenever we were apart I always looked at the moon at night. I knew you loved it most and you often did tell me your thoughts on the subject. When I gazed at the shining orb I felt close to you somehow – because I knew that you would be looking at it too.

_I am ready for love_

_Why are you hiding from me?_

_I'd quickly give my freedom_

_To be held in your captivity_

How was it that I came to love you? I knew the exact moment. I was in hospital when you came to me. At first I thought not much of your presence – you were after all visiting out of respect for your friend Misao, were you not? I could never fathom the depth of your empathy; you seemed to have enough for everyone. In the last moments of tragedy, you would shine like a beacon of hope to those who may have not needed you in the past – but now you were their saviour. As each day passed, I anticipated the smooth soft steps I knew would herald your arrival. Your soft comments as you spoke to the nurses about my health. Everyday you asked. Everyday you came – without fail. There you would sit and study while I rested. You would always be wearing a hooded jumper – unless it was at least 30 degrees, always claiming that you became cold quite quickly and therefore needed to take precautions. However cold you felt, your hands always remained warm. I know this. While I was sleeping you would sometimes touch my forehead and stroke my cheeks to check my temperature. Did you know that I lay with my eyes closed waiting for your soft caress? Were you aware that I had watched your every movement? By my release, I had memorised every nuance of your behaviour I could and cherished it.

_I am ready for love_

_If you'll take me in your hands_

_I will learn what you teach_

_And do the best that I can_

I recalled our time at school together. Yes I was popular, but you suffered during those years. People did not believe you worthy of Misao's company nor mine, yet you remained faithful and strong disregarding their hateful remarks. In Misao you saw a sister and in our family you appreciated our value as kin. You had so little of your own, and became a part of ours with ease. All those times I saw you reading or painting I wanted to tell you. My heart ached each time I saw you.

I will never forget the night the doctor had told me I might never walk again. You were standing near the window, the moonlight silhouetting your body against the night. I knew you were listening. You held me in your arms when I cried. I was afraid and you never said a word, for some reason you never had to. You just held me as I broke down. I felt my sanity slipping slowly but the scent of your hair, and feel of your soft fingers against my face kept me alive. In that instant I knew. How could I not? It was a long time before I could meet your eyes without shame. Yet you never said one word to anyone, least of all me.

_Lately I've been thinking_

_Maybe you're not ready for me_

_Maybe you think I need to learn maturity_

_They say watch what you ask for_

_'Cuz you might receive_

_But if you ask me tomorrow_

_I'll say the same thing_

You never truly smiled unless it was necessary or the situation was blessed enough to be serenaded with your laugh. When you laughed I didn't – I had to absorb each distinct tone. It was so rare – I wanted to hear more each time. Your eyes would always smile slowly at me. It was your eyes that spoke to me. And was that not what you always said "eyes are like windows to your soul – the eyes can never lie." And yours were the most beautiful of all. Those sparkling azure orbs I likened to the calm still waters than ran so infinitely deep. That was exactly what you were – and what you will always remain: a long endless horizon, which I longed to reach but never could.

I suddenly didn't feel worthy of you, and still I often sought you for advice during hard times. Cautioning against hasty actions, you were like a soothing balm against my wounded heart. Time away from you killed me slowly – I often wondered what would become of me if you refused my love. What would I do? Where would I go? How would I survive? Yes that is what I would do – I would subsist, exist, endure but I would not truly live.

How was I fooled? How could I not see your beauty? I would never begin to understand, and by the time I did you seemed so distant from me. In the later years of our friendship you became almost cold towards me. Why were you like this? If I was starved before when you spoke and laughed rarely, my soul was now empty. I would cajole you as often as possible – even though I was there with my respective partner. You would point this out to me and I would brush it aside, trying to ignore the fact that you were once again eager to be rid of my presence.

_I am ready for love_

_All of the joy and the pain_

_And all the time that it takes_

_Just to stay in your good grace_

I'm anxious now because I know you're coming home today. I say home, because this is where you belong. If not with me then with us as a part of our family. I had spoken to you on the phone, and you were short on words. Did I forget that Misao had already told me you were coming? No I hadn't forgotten. I just wanted to hear your voice one more time.

_I am ready for love_

_Would you please lend me your ear?_

_I promise I won't complain _

_I just need you to acknowledge I am here_

As you come up the driveway with care, I know you're cautioning Misao against opening the door until the car has stopped. We both never let Misao drive because, as her driving instructor had told her – she truly was a road hazard. Misao had already exited the car hugging everyone excitedly and there you are. Slowly walking towards my parents, you always greet everyone before me. At last you came towards me with a small smile. I couldn't wait, I took you into my arms and savoured the few moments I knew I would have to feel your body against mine. You stiffened and looked up at my face in surprise before turning away to unload your car. This would be the last embrace.

At dinner I watched you, and I think you knew. You kept darting glances my way. I couldn't wait. I wouldn't. There was no time left for me to linger in hope – when in reality I barely had any. I whispered in your ear to meet me for a quick chat and you agreed. Actually I forced you didn't I? I never waited for a response – I simply wanted the chance, and no one would deny me.

_If you give me half a chance,_

_I'll prove this to you_

_I will be patient, kind, faithful & true_

--

That day you looked so sad until my words pierced your hazy misunderstood little world. How could you have thought I could never love you? How could you even let me love you? Could you not see that I was unworthy of your affections? I was torn between what you deserved and what I needed. In the end I didn't care. You were all that was necessary for me to live. If you were willing to give me that love, I would take all I could.

_I am ready for love_

_If you'll take me in your hands_

_I will learn what you teach_

_And do the best that I can_

You show me everyday that you love me. You don't say unless it's a rare occasion. Your love speaks to me through your eyes. They twinkle brightly each day and at night the darkness in your gaze never ceases to fuel my love. They drink in my expression, my actions, my words and every morning they shine for me. Only for me.

_I am ready for love_

_Here with an offering of_

_My voice, my eyes, _

_My soul, my mind_

_Tell me what is enough?_

_To prove I am ready for love._

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This was a request bybbzachariah - I hope it was what you were expecting :-)

Please tell me what you think :-)

cheers,

Iuvenalis.


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